A tiny person named Obi has taught me so much about myself. Namely, he's taught me how selfish I am.
Before Obi, I LOVED going to Target by myself. I know a lot of women can relate to me on this "Target Therapy." Something about the bright lights, wide aisles, the nifty red cruiser-carts, cute throw pillows, and the red clearance stickers... Only one thing would make this city's Target better: a Starbucks (instead of the awkward Target "snack shop") Oh yes, and a "Super" in front of "Target." Oh well, can't have it all.
It was so easy to go places and I never though twice about driving across the road to another store.
I loved thrift shopping and would sometimes hit all 5 that I love in this city in one day.
I also loved cleaning and decorating and making my house a home.
In college, I loved going to Borders book store and flipping through magazines in a comfy chair. (RIP Borders stores)
I could get ready in the morning so fast after accepting a last-minute sub job.
I enjoyed laying out in the sun getting a tan.
It was fun to see movies in an actual theater.
Oh the days of a long shower and shaving my entire leg, not just the knees-down.
I really miss those things! Since a baby, my Target trips are very "to the point" and I look at only what is on my list. Oh yeah, and now lists are a must because I can never remember what I need. And the list has things like "the white package non-scented boogie wipes" on them. Thrift stores are only possible with baby-wearing in those cluttered aisles. Good thing Ben has made a movie theater in our basement because now that's impossible. There's a constant "game plan" in my mind of when I fed him last, when he'll be tired-therefore when he'll be fussy, when he'll need to eat next... etc.
When I think about these things that I miss, my selfishness is embarrassingly obvious. I coveted my alone time and the simplicity of life.
And I only have ONE baby and he takes at least two naps a day!!
Slowly, these things are becoming more possible. And even enjoyable. If I want to leisurely walk around the mall and buy nothing... I want to do it with my baby because I can justify that trip as "getting the baby out of the house." I only go places when I know he'll be awake because he's so happy to be out. Grocery shopping is fun with him. The constant "game planning" now comes to me so naturally. Sometimes I think more about when he needs to eat next that I forget about when I may need to eat next.
Putting him to bed has become SO easy that babysitters are a possibility. Napping has also become SO much better (like put-him-in-his-crib-and-leave easy).
It's a combination of turning the infant into the baby... and getting past the 1st time mom learning curve/shock.
But mostly, it's sacrifice. Many people who haven't even experienced salvation through the ultimate sacrifice of God's son will tell you that having children requires sacrifice- but that it's SO worth it.
Learning true sacrifice for another comes with friendships/family/dating relationships/marriage... it makes you be something else. Marriage made me be a wife. This baby boy made me be a mom. But being a mom doesn't replace my titles of wife/sister/friend/daughter/etc. It just adds to it. Each new role requires you to adapt to changes and make those changes the "new normal."
Being made a wife was exciting and I could converse with the one [husband] who brought about the changes and my necessary adaptation and sacrifice. Being made a mom was also exciting... but probably more exhausting if I'm honest... and you can't converse with the one [baby] who has caused all the changes. I mean, they are tiny people who act entirely on a series of reflexes. Thus, sacrifice is necessary.
I've noticed that I've started to say "we" instead of "me." "We'll return the Redbox today." "When we went to the store..." "When we ate lunch.... " This kid is my little sidekick in everything I do all day. It may seem like my perspective in life has gotten so small and so focused on this one mini-person and everything to do with a baby. But "mom" is just being lined up with all my other titles.
Has my perspective narrowed? I don't think so at all. My ability to love has grown so much (and I can tell it's not done growing) and that has made me a better and broader person. Sacrifice for a worthy cause is always worth it.
I can still clearly remember the shock I went through in becoming a mom. It was quite a transition for me and honestly one that I didn't expect - silly I know - but I was clueless as to how E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. changed me. What a great little blessing God has given you and Ben :)
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